bedsandbananas

i do no think that this relationship with this person is out of convenience. i do not think that at all. it's just a matter of coincidence that all of these things happened at the same time. no one knew that we (you and me) were in a relationship. and, he moved on too slow or was just looking for more opportunities with me that i do not know.

but why would you think that this thing with this person, would pose such a big issue between you and me? cause, the way i see it, its two different things.

"it's different. it's a whole different feeling"


i know that i'm placing a mold around you right now. making you believe that you have to be like that, to deal with girls. no. its just how to deal with me. and that mold was actually from someone before you. who did so well, understanding this, knowing that, getting those hints right, of/about me. i'm sorry that you had to go through all this just because, i want it to be dealt this way.

and you, at this very moment i wish that you're made differently for me.

that day i passed by my grandmother's room. she was lying on the bed, in telekong, facing the kiblat and there was a nice smell coming from the room. i had to look twice. she was praying.

then i got scared, i prayed to God, that He would panjangkan umur my grandmother. Amiin.

i'm sorry to make you feel all this. i really didn't mean to. as much as you want me to understand what you're going thru, it's just fair for you to think of the things that you're going to say. i'm sorry i cant fully understand you, i'm sorry i can't help you much. i'm just really sorry you have to go thru all these.

_____________

 on another note, i met my cousin on my father's side. who's family is also kinda like mine. the father went to have an affair and is currently "missing". i guess, that's the only thing we talk to each other about. our father's wrong doings. and i'm kinda tired of that.

i am very sorry for the things that you are going through. as much as you think, that i don't give hoot about you, it hurts to know that you are struggling with it. everyday i think of you, thinking whether you're okay, if you're coping. but i just can't bring myself to text you or call. cause, i'm scared of the reactions and the things that might happen with you.

im sorry. i wish i could help you, i wish for the times that it was easier for you.

:'( i hope you're okay.

ntah. When i feel that my life is actually quite alright, suddenly, it goes the other way around.

"Truly where there is hardship, there is also ease. God promised you that."

Terima kasih.

susah nak jadi orang.
Susah nak jadi baik.
Susah nak nak jaga hati orang lain.
Susah nak senangkan diri sendiri.

Susahh la bile pagi2 dah melalak.

have you ever asked God for more challenges when you feel/think that life, to you, is getting boring?

I have.

----

On another note, gua tak habes2 makan petai these few days. So now, kencing, berak, kentot, burp SEMUA bau petai. Ewwwwwwww BEDA!!!

I started tumblr-ing.

i feel like trying tumblr out.